I'm sorry for the way I've acted in the past, foolishly and immature.
Though it may seem otherwise, it was my intention to befriend you, to
be able to ask how your day was, what you're up to, maybe even get
lunch or hang out from time to time, to be more than just colleagues.
I don't know if that's still unreasonable, but that was what I was
hoping. But now I feel isolated, like I may have alienated you, and
uncertain what to say without making things worse. I want to be able
to come talk to you, but I never seem to get it right when I may be
disturbing you. You're always welcome to come to talk to me.
Again, I'm sorry, and I hope we can take a step in the right direction.
Best,
Grad Student
Though it may seem otherwise, it was my intention to befriend you, to
be able to ask how your day was, what you're up to, maybe even get
lunch or hang out from time to time, to be more than just colleagues.
I don't know if that's still unreasonable, but that was what I was
hoping. But now I feel isolated, like I may have alienated you, and
uncertain what to say without making things worse. I want to be able
to come talk to you, but I never seem to get it right when I may be
disturbing you. You're always welcome to come to talk to me.
Again, I'm sorry, and I hope we can take a step in the right direction.
Best,
Grad Student
So now I am more confused than anything. I know I said hello to him when passing in the halls. I can't even remember one conversation I had with anyone this week (except AdvisorDude when we ran into each other during a much needed lunch break). So needless to say, it seems that Crazygradstudent believes the world revolves around him. If I am not saying hello to him or talking to him during the day, this means I am ignoring him. My other Postdoc friend whom the email was also addressed to, was, wait for it....submitting her NRSA this week! Duh, she was busy too. But no, if we have barely any time to breathe, we have to waste that breath on saying hello to Crazygradstudent. And if we don't, doors are slammed, and walls are punched.
Yup, that's not crazy at all.
Again dear readers (the 2 of you that there are out there), what's a girl gotta do around here??? Damned if I do, damned if I don't?
I'm probably the last person who should be giving advice on interpersonal issues but, this is beginning to sound a little weird. Is this the same grad student who's infatuated with you? Because his behavior (punching doors, throwing things) isn't that of a mature adult. And nothing you say or do is going to make him come around. You can't solve this guy's problems for him, and since he continues to make your work environment difficult, ignoring him isn't an option either. I think you should probably go to your supervisor or HR.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your post. His email had me reeling in all honesty. This is the same grad student from the other post, I have now linked to it.
ReplyDeleteI agree that nothing I say or do will make him come around. I did have a talk with him before about his behavior, but I knew, after this email, that nothing is going to change him. This is really really frustrating!
I am laughing a little about how you said that you are probably the last person to give advice...makes me think you have had some crazy experiences too. But I am just not sure how to start with this. I feel like I did something to have this happen to me. But I also know this is a bad mentality to have...
I have been there and learnt that there is nothing that can be done for a person who will do anything to get your attention - good or bad.
ReplyDeleteI would advise you to make your advisor do something about crazygradstudent. If that does not work, go higher. It is tough, but if he cannot grow up he has to get out - for his sake too. He is obviously not focussing enough on his own project in this current situation. As a grad-student I worked with a postdoc who retaliated by sabotaging my experiments. Not cool.
This kind of obsession is mostly harmless, annoying, and sometimes funny, but it can make a turn for the worse. Be careful.
If I had to handle something like this, I'd email back or talk to the fellow saying that its just that people are busy and that he shouldn't take things personally and so seriously. I know that you have already had a talk. But this is what I'd still do when dealing with unreasonable/crazy people. I usually find that the tension that results from not defusing is usually an unnecessary pain in the arse. Ofcourse, one can defuse by going to a higher authority and that may work for you better, but I don't have much experience with that.
ReplyDeleteforgot to add: defusing is a temporary thing...dealing with people like that in a businessy way seems the best way to keep them in place in the long run.
ReplyDeleteI would agree with Venkat about emailing something back, but also you need to tell the PI about this. Although we are supposed to learn how to manage people and deal with various situations as a post-doc, after you do what you can, it is ultimately the PIs lab still, right? I can imagine if you were the PI letting another know about a situation like this as well just so it is documented in a sense. Since this behavior has continued, in addition to you being able to work and not worry about his behavior, the grad program might/his committee might want to know about his difficulties and behavior adjusting to grad school.
ReplyDeleteI have to disagree with some of the commenters here. Engaging someone who is clearly unhinged is (in my experience) taken as an invitation for further weirdness. It seems to me that this is particularly true when you add in the male-female infatuation/entitlement/non-reciprocated dynamic. Personally, I'd take it up with your immediate supervisor, or higher up the food chain if that doesn't work. Do be careful, as this kind of stuff has a tendency to escalate, especially if you are giving the grad student some personal attention in trying to solve this problem.
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, remember that you did not *do something* that caused this person's infatuation. You have every right to go about being yourself, without having to censor your behavior for fear of soliciting unwanted attention. In the same vein, it is not your job to solve this person's issues for him. Even if it somehow was your job, it is unlikely that anything *you* do is going to change his fecked up behavior.
Thank you all for your advice. I decided, with the other Postdoc, that we would have a "clarification" discussion. I asked him what he meant by his email. We needed to hear his perspective and what precipitated this email.
ReplyDeleteHis response was "Well, when was the last time you asked me how my day was, besides when I had my surgery a week and a half ago?"--and it was said with an attitude.
I just about lost it right there and would have ended the conversation, except the other Postdoc wanted to probe further. I knew then that there was no point. We got nowhere, fast. So needless to say, we both agreed we would no longer work on his "issues" with him. Because apparently, it is our fault he hates himself. Wow. I don't even ask my best friend how her day was.