Nervous

I'm nervous today and I was nervous yesterday too. On Friday, I had a breaking point in the lab. There were times where I was on the verge of tears over an over again that day. I had a lot planned. I thought I was going to be getting help with some of the more menial labor that doesn't require much thought from the lab tech. That didn't happen. The undergrad helped me instead. This process we were going through, we stood six hours straight, without a break, just to get it done. At some point, the tech was supposed to jump in for parts of it so that we can take a lunch break and so that I could set up another PCR or get a gel running or send samples off for sequencing. This task, I mean really, a monkey could do it. But it needed our constant attention. Not only that, but we were going to process more samples after from the undergrad's experiments, and repeat this same process for his stuff!

Needless to say, I was pissed. I was fucking HUNGRY. I did not eat "lunch" until 4pm. I was tired. I knew that in order to get everything done for the day, because we didn't receive help, I was going to be in the lab until 10 pm on a Friday. I know, sometimes it just happens. But this was avoidable. What was our tech doing while we were working our butts off? Sitting on the computer. Wandering around. Taking a long lunch. Doing what she calls "lab duties". On top of all that, my AdvisorDude was in the mood to pick on me. It was all in good fun. But I was not funny that day. I told him as much. I told him that I was pissed. I literally had the undergrad give me his shot glass and pour me a shot of rum. I took it down right in front of the boss, just to calm me until the task was over. He knew something was up. Before he left the lab for the day, he came up to me while I was setting up a PCR. I still hadn't eaten. He asked me if I was still upset. I said yes. He asked if I wanted to talk about it, "no, not now". He was on his way to the airport, did he really think my problem was that simple? "Oh gee, AdvisorDude, you know, I am really mad that you haven't bought an extra gel box, you think you could get one?" Yeah no, if the problem were that simple, I wouldn't have been on the verge of tears.

I slept on it. I woke up Saturday still feeling the same way. Is this what I am going to have to put up with for the next 5 years? Do I want to put up with this bullshit for the next 5 years? No. No I don't. I work too fucking hard. Most of the time, due to my own sheer love of science and data. But, I do not think that I have to work hard on account of picking up the slack of another lab member, who doesn't feel she has to work hard. I wanted to bring up my problems with her earlier in the week to AdvisorDude. He and I spent some time in the dark room that I thought was a perfect time to mention it. Lot's of waiting, in the dark. His response was "I am staying out of it." Really? I mean really? So I decided I needed to write him an email. I hate emails like that. But if he didn't want to 'hear' about it, then I was going to make him read about it. I knew it was serious when I realized I was truly thinking of quitting. I was looking at job postings all over the place yesterday and today. I figured I should tell him how flippin' serious this all really is. I wrote and wrote. Detailing every little thing she does or doesn't do. He knows all these things because he complains about her to me all the time. But I needed to have it in writing. I wanted to see exactly what it was that I was having a problem with. It was all there. I also mentioned the severity of the situation. That if it came down to it, I might consider looking for another job. To me, this was my way of saying that something had to be done. You will lose your Postdoc. So I am nervous about what's going to happen in the lab.

If I leave now, this would mean I am pretty much throwing my academic career away. I thought about maybe switching to biotech. Sure, I would be dealing with the same kind of bullshit. But at least, I would be getting paid enough to justify the bullshit! I mean, why the hell am I working 70 hrs/week just so that I can maybe become a professor one day? Why I am putting up with a woman who doesn't want to help me? Why am I putting up with an Advisor who can't grow a pair and RUN the lab?

I am so frustrated you guys. So frustrated. I am tired. I am sad. Just sad.